lies

by

spitting pips

My 10 most important Lessons Learned over the last 6 months dating.

Quotes from dating. Most of these I heard in the last month, on the same night, from one particular guy. Who disconnected only a week later with a clarity that left me in no uncertain terms as to his feelings. Finally. Lots of learning and understanding; one person’s presentation, even with the most sincere intention, can still need de-coding and translating.

I was on my way to healing, being happy, ready for new adventure. I had moved on and was looking forward to meeting someone who could give me the respect I deserved and a shared passion. And then he reconnected. Again. Looked into my eyes, apologised. Spoke of futures and possibilities. Took my hands, kissed me, led me a merry dance. And I thought these were words of promise. Except they were not. Except they were very obvious misrepresentations of his truth…

“You make me happy”
My future plans do not include you.
“We have lots of time”
Actually, about 24 hrs, then see ya.
“Can you imagine yourself living here with me?”
Tomorrow you’ll never hear from me again.
“You’re gorgeous…”
I say this to everyone, all the time. They like it. It’s my thing.
“Well I could move to the coast too”
A breaking-up / ending-it conversation. I don’t want to go anywhere with you.
“Whatever we become, friends or lovers”
You’ll be lucky if you get a call on your birthday…
“You’re intelligent”
I’m not attracted to you.
“You were invited too, we both were”
I don’t want you there, I’m just being the ‘good guy’.
“…’us’….”
Nope, not couple language. I am drunk and keep forgetting I’m not into you.
“I care about you, but I’m not ready…”
I will keep coming back. Don’t know why. I don’t want you.

I am now working through how I got things so wrong, and indeed how this will inform my interaction and behaviours with others going forward. I have relinquished hope, as he demanded. How could I believe something good of something so laden with mixed-messages, indecision, and insincerity. I know there was genuine care, and I know that it was important to us both. But not important enough.

by

lemon and bitters

I’m fairly introspective. Too much sometimes. Spend time thinking about my choices, impact on others, how people perceive me, and what I can do to improve, change or redirect wasted energies. I look in the mirror and scare myself with the vulnerability that comes with seeing my true self, with being self-aware. It often feels lonely, but always begins a reaffirmation or a rebuild. And these are never bad things. Acknowledge a required tweak in behaviour or a need for further mindfulness, even letting go of a useless anger. I hold the mirror up, not for vanity but to check myself. To ensure there is none.

This week I have wanted to offer a mirror to some people in my life. They are accusing me of an inappropriateness that is neither accurate nor fair. In fact, the distortion with which they are judging me and the sad, challenging, situation I have found myself in, is indeed half the issue. There’s a need to take responsibility for repercussions of one’s behaviour. We all do, we all have to feel what we do can be validated or must own the chain of events that we begin. I find myself not wanting to excuse or apologise for my part in their discomfort because of their aggressive disconnected blame response. I just want to say to them, stop… look at yourselves. Why are you intent on a punishment? Especially one that is neither proportionate nor in line with the perceived wrong-doing? And what is it that you wanted to happen?

One of the most important lessons I have learned is once a thing has left your mouth, once a story, an opinion, a lie, a dream, has been said… it cannot be unsaid. It cannot be taken back. And in that, it is no longer yours. You no longer own this ribbon of knowledge, the content, the words. You have no power over it. So when you say a thing out loud, you gift it to the universe and you must let it go. A secret is never that. A confidence is no longer yours from the moment it is muttered. You may wish to manage it, to continue your hold over it, but we are human. We are creatures who verbally trade and promote and bond with our language. We are a community that shares and protects and manages and governs using the soundbytes we exchange.

When you have offered a piece of your own fear or raised concerns to another person, a friend, a partner, a leader… you naturally make yourself vulnerable to their responses. For you no longer have the power, they do. And if you are wise and mature and attuned, you may use this for your own gain, your manipulation, your growth, or to your advantage. And if you are not quite as clever as you think you are, as sure of your rightness, when the recipient does the unexpected, you will blame any one but yourself. However, if for a moment you hold a mirror up and honestly ask yourself who should shoulder the responsibility for this breach, perhaps it should be you?

by

concentrated

Above it all the voice said be peaceful. Be still. They who move in front are moving too fast. They laugh too loud with open-mouthed, hacking spite, and slap each other’s back. Hard. There is congratulations and the slamming of pint glasses. With evening sunlit posturing, each gaining more volume than the last. And above it all the voice said be patient. Have faith. Those who select that path speed toward a destiny. They sit in shiny cars and buy vast desks for home offices. Sending emails and scoring points. Playing chess with lives. And above it all the voice said be strong. Be hopeful. Those around you are small and breathe stagnant air. It scours their lungs. And burns hearts. The dimness of their souls makes them fearful. And fall over in the dark. Hesitate at borders. And above it all the voice said be learned. Be aware. For those who speak of knowledge have not yet earned wisdom. They have glanced at life. Limited by their disconnected disinterest. Though maintain their righteous opinion.  And above it all the voice said be true. Have dignity. For others look to destroy, using falseness for favour. Raising complex lies with their vast empty confusion. It has a pungency. Clings to dishonour. The acrid smell of low worth. And above it all the voice said be ready. Be free. For it is in stillness you will know the faith in your heart and it shall fill with a nurtured hope. Your journey gifts you the awareness and dignity to know your goodness.