Latin beats. Doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t keep still. No matter where I am, no matter my mood, my state of sober, the company or lack thereof. There’s nothing I can do. It taps into my soul. It makes my nerves fizz, my muscles move. Even as I am sitting here, in this chair, solo, in a nightclub. Watching young couples partner off, find a rhythm, connect, contract, swing wide. It is hip-swaying and joyful. It is an unfurling and the taste of freedom. Uninhibited, sensual. It is at once wisdom of generations and an expression of youthful hope. A frenzy, a focused movement. A step away, a coming together. It never ceases to make me smile, to make me relax, to create a desire to let go; growing small tidy steps into sweeping motion.
This is where hearts heal. In the grounding, in the crawling over a dance floor, in the evolution. Up on to toes, back down into release.
Written at 3am, in a bar.
My 10 most important Lessons Learned over the last 6 months dating.
Quotes from dating. Most of these I heard in the last month, on the same night, from one particular guy. Who disconnected only a week later with a clarity that left me in no uncertain terms as to his feelings. Finally. Lots of learning and understanding; one person’s presentation, even with the most sincere intention, can still need de-coding and translating.
I was on my way to healing, being happy, ready for new adventure. I had moved on and was looking forward to meeting someone who could give me the respect I deserved and a shared passion. And then he reconnected. Again. Looked into my eyes, apologised. Spoke of futures and possibilities. Took my hands, kissed me, led me a merry dance. And I thought these were words of promise. Except they were not. Except they were very obvious misrepresentations of his truth…
“You make me happy”
My future plans do not include you.
“We have lots of time”
Actually, about 24 hrs, then see ya.
“Can you imagine yourself living here with me?”
Tomorrow you’ll never hear from me again.
I say this to everyone, all the time. They like it. It’s my thing.
“Well I could move to the coast too”
A breaking-up / ending-it conversation. I don’t want to go anywhere with you.
“Whatever we become, friends or lovers”
You’ll be lucky if you get a call on your birthday…
I’m not attracted to you.
“You were invited too, we both were”
I don’t want you there, I’m just being the ‘good guy’.
Nope, not couple language. I am drunk and keep forgetting I’m not into you.
“I care about you, but I’m not ready…”
I will keep coming back. Don’t know why. I don’t want you.
I am now working through how I got things so wrong, and indeed how this will inform my interaction and behaviours with others going forward. I have relinquished hope, as he demanded. How could I believe something good of something so laden with mixed-messages, indecision, and insincerity. I know there was genuine care, and I know that it was important to us both. But not important enough.