I don’t want you to talk to me. You’re not required to smile. I don’t even need you to know I’m here. I’m not looking for a hook-up, an individual intimacy. I’m not here to make friends. I don’t desire your conversation. I am standing here, in the middle of this melee, for your energy. To be surrounded, engulfed, by a room full of anonymous vitality. I’m here to siphon. Be in noise. Breathe in the smell of humanity. Be charged with the end of week madness that draws and drives a crowd. In this, I cannot hear my thoughts. I do not hear the voices or my singular heart-beat. In amongst you I am lost. And it is good. Healthy. Perfect. I want to dance, give me space. I want to move to the music, so leave me room. If you stand in my space, I will smile, a hostess grin, big but dull. You won’t notice it is as fake as her tan. If you initiate conversation, I will be kind. I am mannered and noble. My eyes have glazed over at the thought of exchanging pleasantries, well anything, with you. Though especially words. But I know the game. To be afforded a safe-place, I must sacrifice. It is transactional. I pay the kind Barman for a drink; solicit a fleeting friendship. This too, a barter. He obliges the chat with my change.
And then you take my arm and drag me, smiling, outside for a cigarette. And I am tired of making excuses, exceptions. I do not have the fight to deal with your affront, if I say no. So I let you lead me. And you are full of banter and compliments and intense gazes. To accompany your full belly of beer. And I give you some mileage with my helpful narration of the people around us. You take cues, so easily crafted, and try to entertain. But you are boring me and annoying me and I have reached my tolerance. So request my leave, vaguely suggesting the loo, or call to a friend. And I have shrugged off the arm, or conversation, lightly, deftly. So as not to be rude, or hurt your feelings. So that you have no harm done, by way of me tonight.
And I am standing on the dance floor again. Having a sway and being alone in the throng. Having another drink; the music working it’s way into my soul, JDs in my veins. Smiling to myself at the privilege of being alive and enjoying life. And then there is another you, at my elbow. This one more inebriated, combative and forceful. Of course, you have been here for hours. This time, this you, wants to buy me a drink, suggests something foggy in my ear. And I am busted out of my reverie, to find your hand on my arse. A ring, I notice, on your wedding finger. Seriously? I match your certainty with an acerbity of my own. And at once you are angry and offended, and the defense is ugly on you. But you are like so many other yous in this bar, drunk and entitled. I am not ready to cower at your lurid comments or appease you for my own peace, this time. I am going to shut you down. You do not get what you want by bullying or harassment. And I will not let you. If politeness does not gift me a pass, you can have the whip of my honesty. I turn tail, and remove myself.
Please. I am not looking for conversation, am not hoping you will initiate. I am here to immerse myself in the music, in the vibe. Please don’t think that because I am here by myself, I am seeking to change that tonight. If I am smiling, it is not an invitation to seduce. Pay me attention with respect, if you wish to make a connection. If I am interested, I will tell you. If you are interesting, you will know.
[edited 27 November, 2016]
It’s very little wonder
Why I love you so damn much.
You electrify my brain
And thrill me at a touch.
The weekend did its usual trick
Of going way too fast.
Now I’m on my way to bed
And today will be my past.
Latin beats. Doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t keep still. No matter where I am, no matter my mood, my state of sober, the company or lack thereof. There’s nothing I can do. It taps into my soul. It makes my nerves fizz, my muscles move. Even as I am sitting here, in this chair, solo, in a nightclub. Watching young couples partner off, find a rhythm, connect, contract, swing wide. It is hip-swaying and joyful. It is an unfurling and the taste of freedom. Uninhibited, sensual. It is at once wisdom of generations and an expression of youthful hope. A frenzy, a focused movement. A step away, a coming together. It never ceases to make me smile, to make me relax, to create a desire to let go; growing small tidy steps into sweeping motion.
This is where hearts heal. In the grounding, in the crawling over a dance floor, in the evolution. Up on to toes, back down into release.
Written at 3am, in a bar.
Seems that I’m mistaken,
And this wine was just the trick.
I’m feeling much more mellow,
And now you’re looking pretty slick.
My dreams last night were based in B&Q.
And now I’m heading back there, as need a larger screw.