a lemon

My ex is a lovely, friendly, innocuous kind of man. A little off-centre, a little lost in the world. A man of habit and ritual. Of strong convictions and old traditions. An eager relationship builder. A highly moral soul.

In order to ensure the safety and dignity of my ‘recent ex’ I spontaneously found myself denying that I am fine with the split. Am not openly extolling the low-level relief that I am feeling. Except here. Where I am an anonymous rambler in the ether.

I wonder at my compulsion to not be honest in my own world? A natural instinct to continue being the sensitive person I was while we were together or a martyrdom in the face of realisation that many in my world thought him a little odd, and knew the challenge of being with him?

Whatever the reason, the effort has interestingly tapped into a rare feeling of anger. It’s fuelling a sharp tongue-flicking  acid-creativity everywhere.  Am I denying how much I liked this guy? Perhaps. Is this just an ego response? The charade, the pretence, at actually being affected from the break up is taking an unexpected toll. People think I am grieving. I am not. I am missing, yes. I am sad, a little. But I am not wailing heart-broken. I am being consoled and cautioned, pampered and propped up. And yet need none of this.  I am fine.

As friends have pointed out, I spent a vast quantity of time and energy establishing safety nets and self-censorship in order for him to be comfortable, to allow for his insecurities to breathe in our relationship, his overly sensitive quirks and importantly, accommodating his mourning for the loss of his Mother. Now… I know, the complaining of this, something that shld come naturally if you are in love, sounds callous and resentful. Odd. Not two words I wld ever use to describe myself. Hmmm.

Maybe it’s that in the breaking up, he never acknowledged an understanding of how difficult it may have been for me. To facilitate some of his behaviours.  I guess that wld have been nice. A little recognition – the last 4 mths have been exhausting and stressful (from learning about and dealing with his insomnia, snoring, depression, his perpetual joblessness, threadbare clothing, hoarding, financial situation, inability to take on new information, the sharing of personal details to random strangers, heightened routine and rituals, and his apocalypse bag that went with him everywhere…). Maybe my anger is due to his belief that I was odd and he was perfectly normal. Again, the perspectives. In social situations with my friends, all suggested there was something discomforting about him, overly friendly but in a ‘slightly off’ way, inappropriate comments rather than funny…

And as the unrequested support is thrown at me unabated, I wonder why I don’t just publicly proclaim “the guy had issues I didnt have the skills to deal with – we are incompatible… but I am fine”?

I need to take the anger out of this. I guess it has been building for weeks.

Hell, I am sure he is fine too. Or will be soon enough. But just in case, keep the secret.

lemon rind

When your values and attitude is questioned the trick is to understand their perspective and experiences, not retaliate in defence or be derisive. Life can be crappy and scars can be worn close to the heart or on someone’s shoulder. I like to think that I am a good person, with a realistic take on the world and a sensitive ear both for friend and foe, being supportive even when questioning motivation or outcome.

While I seek to always be comfortable and honest with my own moral compass, I am happy to be me. I endeavour to continually work through what life throws at me in an active and embracing way, owning it and the consequences, not as an alien influence but as a very important and valuable part of myself.

Sad that I may cause another’s discomfort, I will not apologise for trying to sensitively challenge inertia or wishing to inspire positive movement or growth. But then, as I said, it is all about perspective; one person’s view of reconnection with self-respect may be another’s embodiment of a shallow belief system and ill-balanced priorities.

*shrugs shoulders*

pips and all

It was suggested recently that I have a couple of insecurities. Who doesn’t, right? But as a self-aware and self-seeker, I have been pondering this supposed insight. But particularly…

If I do not like something physical about myself and honestly acknowledge it whilst not belittling myself or hating my whole due to this one part, and hope that I may be able to change it… all the while confidently not liking it, this is not an insecurity.

If along with the disliking, there is healthy understanding and management, then this is still simply a dislike. If it is a new dislike or a response to certain change, then it will always take time to accept and own, to absorb it into the being ‘me’. This is not insecure behaviour (fearful, anxious, doubtful) either. There is some kind of nuance here, may be in the external perception? If another person does not see the thing that I believe is flawed, or indeed disagrees with my opinion about this part of myself, then to them my feelings wld seem an extreme response, an insecurity.

Anyhoo. This is only a half-thought. I’m still pondering. And still really not liking my knee-muffins.

Tee hee.